Every Awards Acceptance Speech Ever
I watched the Golden Globes last night until I couldn’t physically stomach watching them anymore. Then I decided to hastily throw this together. Also, I’ve moved most of my writing over to a site called www.thesefriesaregood.com, which is updated daily. Oh my God, I’m not surprised at all but am pretending to be because it makes me look humble! Here are two or three fragmented...
My Dog Is Super In To Game Of Thrones
Here’s how you can tell when you’re really in to a show; everything you see reminds you of that show. For instance, my wife sees my dog being dried off after a bath, I see Ned Stark from Game Of Thrones warning me that winter is coming. (Also, full disclosure: The show I was writing on just got the shit cancelled out of it, so I have some time on my hands.)
My Father's Take On Internet Comments
I don’t get to spend as much time with my father as I once did, and he’s not the type to call me up just to shoot the breeze. So when I receive calls from him I know it’s either my birthday, I pissed him off, or the world has pissed him off. Yesterday was one such day. “Hey Dad,” I said, answering my phone. “I just read on the internet that you’re a talentless piece of...
What Your Groceries Say About You
Whenever I’m in the grocery store, I always tend to look at someone’s cart and then immediately make a judgement about that person based on the contents of it. I think Webster’s dictionary defines that as “Being an judgmental asshole,” but so be it. Anyway, after one such trips to the grocery store I went home and fired up the ole’ photoshop machine and did...
Inner Monologue of A Guy At His Wife's Work Party
The only thing more awkward and weird than being at a work party, is if it’s not your work. I wrote this a couple years ago after making a huge ass of myself at my wife’s work party. When can I eat the food? Why is no one eating it yet, it’s out there, it’s been laid out, and no one’s touching it. Why the fuck would you put food out on a table, and then not serve it? It’s...
The Best 25 Dollars I've Ever Spent. Ever.
So I received an email today from my wife that said “The dog’s anal glands are full and need to be manually emptied.” I emailed back and said “You just made me so hard right now. Also, what in the hell does that mean?” Apparently the reason dog’s sniff each other’s buttholes is because there’s some sort of gland in there that fills up with this...
5 More Accurate College Mascots
I attended San Diego State University, and although I actually really enjoyed it, when I was a student there it was not considered cream of the crop. If you got over a 2.0 and had never fucked a dead body, they’d basically let you in. Anyway, I made these a couple years ago mostly because I was bored and I like to piss off people who went to USC. 5. The San Diego State Worthless Degrees ...
5 Shocking Celebrity Personalized License Plates
As soon as I learned photoshop I started doing a lot of dumb stuff. This was one of the first dumb things I did. I think the only reason I’m reposting it now, is because of the pride that Elliot Spitzer displays at the fact that he’s found a clever way to show people he sleeps with prostitutes pleases me for some reason. The rest of these are pretty bottom of the barrel jokes. 5....
Why You Should Never Eat At Hooters: A Horror...
I wrote this a couple years ago. I worked in restaurants for about ten years before becoming a full time writer, and this is definitely one of the top three grossest moments I witnessed. When I was 19, a Hooters opened up two blocks from where I lived. My roommate and I needed a job, and also had penises, so we decided to apply as cooks there. It was basically us, and 8 hispanic guys that...
To The Attractive Woman In Front Of Me In Line At...
Hey, really attractive girl in front of me in line at the grocery store, you probably don’t remember me, but I was standing behind you. Anyway I just wanted to say, when you told your joke at the checkout counter, about how “it’s super weird that like, Chex mix, is just like mostly Chex, and pretzels, so it’s not even a mix. They should just call it Chex pretzels,” and everyone laughed, in...
The 3 Worst Roommates To Have
I wrote this a couple years ago. I’m pretty sure my roommate at the time had pissed me off for some reason prompting me to write this. Then I think I realized that I’ve been two out of the three of these roommates. 3. The Party Five Nights A Week And Bring My Cheesy Bottle Service Friends Home To Continue The Party Guy. Every night this guy comes home at five in the morning,...
The Predator Family Christmas Card
I am obsessed with the film “Predator.” I think of it as a family member. I wanted to send out this Christmas Card I made a long time ago, but my wife said no. So I share it with you.
The Ultimate Shitty Quarterback
I made this a couple years ago with my friend @corygavinjones. There’s nothing worse than having a shitty quarterback on your favorite team. And more often than not, you do. So we decided to try and create the most nightmarish quarterback possible.
If Terrorists Had To Pitch Their Evil Plots Like...
I made this four or so years ago after my writing partner and I had gone on frustrating pitch meeting after frustrating pitch meeting in hollywood. Executives all say the exact same shit, over and over and it’s a wonder that any movie gets made. We wondered if it was just as difficult for terrorists to get their terrorist plots made.
How White Trash Is Your City?
I wrote this a few years ago with my buddy Justin Thomas, after we got in an argument over who grew up in a more white trash place. Do you know how white trash your city is? To make it easy, we worked up a formula to see where your crappy, redneck-filled town stands in relation to other crappy, redneck-filled towns across the US. Just plug the appropriate numbers into this fomula: WHITE TRASH...
If Sex Was Described Like A TGI Friday's Menu
I wrote this a couple years ago with my old co-worker @corygavinjones. We wrote this after going to a TGI Fridays and thinking “Man, everything sounds awesome on this menu.” Then we ate it and it tasted like dog shit run over.
Who Do You Tell Your Wife You Think About When You...
Again, this was a conversation I had a couple years ago with my old co-worker Justin Thomas. It’s what we did instead of working. Shockingly, both of us were forcefully removed from the office and told to look elsewhere for employment at different points in our careers there.
The Greatest Special Effects I Have Ever Seen. ...
I’m not going to sit around and pretend I can add some sort of commentary that can make this more awesome. It’s one of those videos that just keeps getting better. All I’ll say is the 6:50 mark is maybe my favorite part. But, then again, it’s all sort of my favorite part. It’s like being a parent and picking out which child you like the most.
Slow Motion: Is There Anything It CAN'T Do?
Little girl beauty pageant contestants are creepy. Slow motion is creepy. Put them together? Send me to the nearest shower so I can begin sobbing in it. (via Brendan Darby)
If Internet Commenters Had A Magazine
I made this a few years ago when I had a job writing on the internet. I grew to hate internet commenters, then slowly I began to appreciate they’re absolute ridiculousness. It’s amazing what people will write when they’re allowed to be anonymous.
The 3 Most Annoying Drunk People
I wrote this a couple years ago after going to a work friend’s birthday party. As soon as I walked in to the party, a guy I’d never met, ran up to me and said “We’re doing tequila shots, don’t be a homo.” I co-wrote this with the beautiful @corygavinjones. 3. MR. “CALLS YOU A HOMO IF YOU’RE NOT DOING SHOTS EVERY TWO MINUTES” I’m not...
The Time I Farted On Jennifer Love Hewitt
I wrote this essay (very liberal use of the word “essay”) a few years ago for work. It’s possibly the dumbest, and least skilled piece of writing I’ve ever produced. And yet, I still enjoy it. Anyway, when I was promoting Shit My Dad Says the book, I went on the Carson Daly show, and I really wanted to tell this story, since he was engaged to her. He said no, and it...
A Conversation About The Apocalypse That Turned...
I’ve mentioned this before, but I used to have a cubicle job for several years, and 90% of my time wasn’t spent doing work. It was spent IM chatting with my friend, Justin Thomas, who sat next to me. I’d like to think that’s how most people in office jobs operate. Anyway, every once in a while, I’d take a screen grab of our conversation when they turned weird. ...
If State Signs Were Truthful
I did this a few years back with my co-workers Justin Thomas and @corygavinjones. The best part about it was, I got a whole bunch of angry letters from people who lived in Arkansas and in every one of those letters, there was at least one spelling error.
The Solar System Of A Bar
I wrote this a couple years ago, when I was at a bar and noticed every buff, fake tanned guy was basically orbiting around this one really attractive girl, and that around each one of these buff, fake tanned guys, were smaller, less buff guys orbiting around them. I decided to try and map it out. Not sure if I was successful, but anytime I can try to explain axe body spray using something from a...
My Cousin's Thoughts On My New Job
I was fortunate enough to get a new job writing for a television show coming out in the fall called “How To Be A Gentleman.” I’m very excited about it, and think it’s going to be a really funny show. The ironic thing is that it’s the show that’s replacing Shit My Dad Says. Same time slot, same day, same everything. I didn’t see any problem with that,...
The 7 Stages Of Being Fat
I wrote this a couple years back when I stopped at an Arby’s to get a sandwich. There were seven people in front of me, each fatter than the last, with the man at the counter being 500+ pounds and in a scooter. It was as if the universe was telling me “Do something about obesity! It’s plaguing our country!” and I answered with “I’ll write an internet post...
Father's Day With My Dad
This is a piece I did last father’s day for the Los Angeles Times. Here’s the uncensored version. Giving a gift to my dad is a lot like seeing “Clash of the Titans” in 3D: an occasion followed by a sigh, and someone saying, “Well, that was a waste of $20.” When it comes to presents, my dad knows exactly what he wants: “If it’s not booze or...
A Flowchart Describing 90% of All Porn Movies
I had a job a few years ago for a large internet company that owned a bunch of different websites. I wrote for a humor blog, but the guy sitting behind me worked for a porn site. Everyday he had to sift through porn clips, deciding which to post. We started to realize that there are basically only a few things that make up almost EVERY porno. So one day I decided to make a flowchart to...
The 7 Stupidest Relationship Fights
I wrote this a couple years ago. If I remember correctly, I had just gotten in to fights 2,4, and 5, all at the same time. I went in to work the next day and wrote this. Then we got in to a fight about it. 7. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAD SEX WITH ________ BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER. Even though you had sex with this person before you and your current beau were together, somehow they...
So You've Been Caught Masturbating: A Powerpoint...
I wrote this piece a couple years ago after I had walked in on my friend’s roommate masturbating. We both just sort of freaked out and I ran away like I had witnessed a murder. Anyway, I thought about how it would actually be helpful if he had had a powerpoint to guide him through that tough time. This was co-written by the classy Cory Jones. (@corygavinjones)
Miley Cyrus Shares Her Thoughts On The...
My favorite part about child actors is that they’re the perfect storm of self-centered. They’re teenagers AND their actors. I wrote this a couple years ago after I heard an interview of Miley Cyrus where, unprompted, she gave her thoughts on the problems in the middle-east. Her solution was basically that people need to “be chill.” So I decided I would write a post to...
What The Book You're Reading Says About You
I did most of these a couple years ago at my old job. I always feel like you can learn a lot about somebody just by the book they’re reading. Of course, since I did this, I wrote a book called Shit My Dad says. To be fair, I decided I’d take a crack at what it might say about the person reading it.
A Conversation With My Dad
(My dad and I, 1983) So yesterday the TV show based off the twitter feed, and my book, Shit My Dad Says, was cancelled. I worked on the show for the last year. It was a bummer, until I remembered that I got a TV show based off a twitter feed and a book and was basically the luckiest asshole who ever roamed this earth. Anyway, I decided I should call my dad to give him the news. “Hey....
Inner Monologue Of The Guy In The BMW Behind You...
I wrote this one day after a commute to work in which a guy in a BMW tailgated me for two miles in the slow lane until finally he pulled along side me and flipped me off with both hands and said “Nice Ford, faggot.” If I could sum Los Angeles up in one moment, it was that one. He didn’t look exactly like the picture below, but pretty close. I started imagining what was going...
An IM Conversation About Dreams
At my old job, most of my time was spent IM chatting with my friend and co-worker Justin Thomas, who sat about two feet away from me. I have no idea why we couldn’t just turn and speak to one another, but somehow corporations make you feel like that’s not cool. Anyway, I used to save a few of these conversations. Here’s one.
The 5 Stages Of Most Relationships
I enjoy being in relationships, specifically the one I’m in right now. When I wrote this a couple years ago, not so much. Clearly I was just a tad bitter.
Highlights Magazine: The Evil Version
Highlights magazine always makes me think of the waiting room of my dentist’s office. To this day, when I see a copy of it I tense up in fear. My screenwriting partner Patrick Schumacker (@pmschumacker) and I decided it’d be fun to take a Highlights Magazine and replace all the text with text of our own. It ended up being a really demented version of the magazine.
The 5 Worst Bosses To Work For
I’ve had a few good bosses, but I’ve had quite a few terrible ones. Each one was terrible for a different reason. I wrote this back in ‘08 when I had one of these bosses. He came up to me when I was leaving at 6:30 and said “So, working banking hours huh?” Co-written by the talented @corygavinjones 5. THE “WHAT DO YOU THINK?” BOSS DESCRIPTION: They...
If Everyone Had Their Own Magazine
There are so many different magazines for every type of special interest, so I thought it might be funny to see what the covers would look like for a few magazines that don’t exist, but probably could. I did this when I worked for Maxim and I had just left a job where I had the most passive aggressive boss in the world, so it was born from that. The rest of these are just super weird, but...
Office E-mail Translator
I worked in an office for about three years and on the scale of bullshit, office e-mails rank pretty high up there. Nobody ever says what they mean, instead it’s just weird jargon that won’t get them in trouble with HR.
If Tom Brady Had A Comic Book
There’s something about Tom Brady that bugs the hell out of me. It’s hard to root for a Super Bowl winning quarterback that’s also really good looking, that’s also married to Gisele. It’d be like rooting for Bill Gates to win the lottery. I made this comic back in ‘09 after the Pats crapped all over my beloved San Diego Chargers. Clearly I was still bitter. It...
Your Dog Is Not A Human
I posted something a couple days ago about dog parks and it reminded me of this story I wrote a while back about a certain trip to the dog park. Enjoy. The other day I took my dog to the dog park, to let him run around. About five minutes into it, a weiner dog came up and started sniffing my dog’s butt. Now, my dog’s pretty large, about 110 lbs, which was unfortunate for the weiner dog...
Secret Internal Memos From Southwest Airlines
I like to imagine what internal memos inside companies look like. Especially every time I fly Southwest airlines. It’s the airplane equivalent of taking a bus to a Nicaraguan prison, except when you get off, you’re most likely in Phoenix. Which is sort of also like a Nicaraguan prison, but that’s the subject of a different post. Anyway, I always imagine an executive at...
Flowchart Of A Dog's Mind At A Dog Park
Dog parks are incredibly fascinating to me. They’re sort of like parties if everyone at the party was black out drunk; a lot of genital grabbing, fights, and extreme emotions. I did this a couple years back after a trip to the dog park where my dog started humping a dog that was already humping another dog.
The 6 Most Worthless College Majors
I wrote this back in 2008. I myself graduated with a film degree from San Diego State University. On a resume, that’s one step above just having a blank sheet of paper that says “fuck you” on it and handing it to your potential employer. I think the majors listed below are all interesting and totally worth studying, (Except for communications. What a shit show), they’re...
When The Human Race Dies Out, I Hope This Video Is...
I just want to point out a couple things about this video, and then I’ll shut up because the video itself takes shits more awesome than anything I could come up with. 1) I have never spoken this passionately about something in my entire life. Ever. If you said to me “Hey, I want to combine monkeys riding dogs and the speech from Braveheart in to one thing” I’d say...
God's First Draft Of Human Beings
Any time you’re building anything, you usually start out by sketching some ideas of how it might work. I think the idea for this post came after flipping past some religious channel at 3 in the morning. The guy kept yelling “GOD CREATED MAN!” over and over. So, my thought was, if God created man, than for sure there’s no way he didn’t at least jot down some ideas...
5 Truthful Celebrity Autobiographies I'd Like To...
I love celebrity autobiography covers. It’s always a melodramatic picture accompanied by a title that is a horrifically awesome pun or cheesy phrase. I made these a couple years back. The Stedman Graham cover is one of my favorite jokes I’ve written. That probably says a lot about me, very little of which is good.
The 6 People Who Will Ruin Your Party
I wrote this with my old co-worker Cory Jones (@corygavinjones) a couple years ago. In defense of the people listed below, I’ve probably been four of them at some point. 6. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It’s Still Going On WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white...