I’ve written about network notes on this blog before, specifically that I don’t find them to be as evil as they are made out to be. But what I have noticed, having gone through the development process a few times now, is that most of the notes you get on a pilot are about exposition and a crazy amount of detail that almost no one will notice. And while I agree that it’s important for the audience to understand who your characters are and why they’re doing what they’re doing, I feel as though audiences these days are really intelligent, and you don’t need to spoon feed them. You just have to make sure you get to compelling stuff as quickly as possible. It’s sort of like the structure of porn. So then I started wondering if porn scripts got notes and then I got excited to write a fictional notes call between a porn screenwriter and porn executives. Enjoy.
After five minutes of the writers waiting on the conference call, a few porn executives come on the line.
EXEC 1: Hey guys, really love the script. Thought you did a great job. Loved the plumber, thought when ge came on the housewives face it was totally earned.
WRITER 1: Awesome. So glad you liked it.
EXEC 2: We just have a couple little things.
WRITER 2: No problem.
EXEC 1: Again, love the plumber, but at the start when he comes to the door, you say he “unzips his fly and let’s his cock fall out.”
WRITER 1: Yeah, because the housewife can’t afford to pay for the work he’s done, so he takes his cock out so that she’ll know she can pay him through sex.
EXEC 1: No, we totally get that, and we love it, but does that mean he’s not wearing underwear if he can just unzip his pants and his cock will fall out?
WRITER 2: Yeah, I mean we just figured he’s not wearing underwear.
EXEC 1: Okay, well, if you want to keep that, then I think we need to explain it, because most people wear underwear. Like, maybe we see a scene before he comes to the house where he gets dressed and he says to a friend that he’s not going to wear underwear because he’s sure he’s going to get to have sex with this housewife.
WRITER 1: I don’t know, my instinct is to get to the part where he fucks her as soon as possible.
EXEC 2: No, you’re right. Maybe just when he comes to the door you have him say something like, and this is a bad pitch, but, “I was hoping you wouldn’t be able to pay for the work I did on your toilet so I didn’t wear any underwear in anticipation of that.”
WRITER 2: We’ll take a look at that and see what we can do.
EXEC 1: Great. Again, we love this. The next thing was just, right before he puts his cock inside her vagina, I think the audience needs to know it’s hard.
WRITER 1: Can’t they just see that it’s hard? I mean, if it wasn’t hard, he wouldn’t be able to put it inside her. I feel like the audience gets that.
EXEC 2: Maybe, but we really feel like it wouldn’t hurt for him to just say “My cock is so hard right now” and then put it in her.
WRITER 1: But he says his cock is so hard like five or six times while they’re having sex.
EXEC 1: I know. I just know when I was reading it, I was thinking “Was his cock hard before he put it in her vagina?” I don’t think it can hurt to be clear so that people know he didn’t put a semi-hard or even soft cock in her.
Silence, as the writers are clearly annoyed.
EXEC 2: Moving on. On page six she screams that her pussy is so wet. Can we clarify? Is her pussy wetter than it normally is, or is it just as wet as it usually gets?
WRITER 2: I mean, the intent was that she’s saying it’s wetter than it normally gets.
EXEC 1: Great! We love that! I think we just need to hear her say that.
WRITER 1: Hm.
EXEC 2: Last thing, we love that he cums on her face.
EXEC 1: Love it. We thought that was really, really great stuff.
EXEC 2: But then afterwards in the script you just say “As he rubs the cum on her face with his cock, we fade out.”
WRITER 1: I mean, that seemed like a logical ending point.
EXEC 1: But are they square with the payment for fixing her toilet, or is he still expecting payment?
WRITER 2: No, that’s the payment.
EXEC 2: Then I think we need to say that. It’s not clear.
WRITER 1: I really think people will get that.
EXEC 1: I thought so at first, but then I had my wife read the script last night and that was the first question she asked. I think it’s an easy fix. Just add a line at the end where cums on her face and then he says, this is just a bad pitch, but something like ‘Now that I’ve cum on your face we’re even for the work on your toilet I’ve done.”
Ten seconds of silence, then:
WRITER 2: Anything else?
EXEC 1: That’s it! Oh, actually, just one last little thing. Does he have to be a plumber?