I have a five-year-old nephew. Wait, it gets better. A while back I took him to one of those gymboree type places where they basically just dump a pile of legos in to the center of a room, blow a whistle, and watch 25 kids fight it out for the best Legos. What follows is a display of chaos and survivalism that would give Darwin the HARDEST boner. Anyway, the only thing my nephew wanted to do was build a car. That’s it. The kid dreams small and I love him for it. So he goes over to the lego pile and he starts to grab some wheels. He gets one, then a second, then a third, but then this other little kid swoops in and grabs the last wheel left. I say “Hey, I noticed you only have one wheel. My nephew has three wheels and he’s trying to build a car. Do you think he could have that wheel you just picked up?” The little kid looks at me, then says “It’s mines,” which is little kid speak for “FUCK YOU.” So my nephew goes back and tries to make a three wheeled car and it just comes out all kinds of shitty. I bring up this story because casting a TV pilot is basically the equivalent of a bunch of kids sitting in front of a big pile of legos, trying to quickly grab the ones they think they need in an attempt to make SOMETHING that looks somewhat similar to the vision they had in their head.
See, the big 4 Networks make almost ALL their pilots at the EXACT same time. And each network is making anywhere from 10-15+ pilots (both comedy and drama). Which means that there are roughly 40-60 pilots (that’s conservative) being made each year. Now, obviously, the goal of each one of these pilots is to get on the air. In my opinion, if you have a brilliant script and mediocre actors, you will have a mediocre show. If you have a mediocre script and brilliant actors, you will have the chance to make a really good show. Getting the casting right is INCREDIBLY important, and if you don’t think so, imagine Breaking Bad starring this guy.
There are two ways to cast your show to give you the best opportunity to get your show on the air.
1) Cast an actor that “matters.”
If you have a show with a central protagonist, a clear lead, anytime you’re casting actors you hear the phrase “Do they matter?” ”Oooh, he’s great, but does he matter?” See, there are only a handful of actors who are such big draws that just them signing on to the project almost ensures you get on the air. If I came to a network and said “Hey, I’ve got a project about a guy who jerks off animals he finds in his backyard,” the networks would tell me to fuck off. But if I said “Hey, I’ve got a project about a guy who jerks off animals in his backyard. Tom Hanks is attached to play the lead,” that same network would probably say “Awesome! Which hand does he jerk them off with?”
The craziest thing about this is that very rarely do big actors actually translate in to big ratings. The show has to be compelling otherwise people won’t stick with it. Most of you might watch the first episode or two of “The Tom Hanks Jerks Off Animals Show,” but if it wasn’t interesting and you didn’t care about Tom’s character, then you’d most likely stop watching. But since it’s sooooooo hard in the current TV landscape to get people to check out a show even once, the networks are correct in thinking it’s a big advantage to have a star on their network, because if the show is good, it has a much better chance to succeed.
THE PROBLEM WITH OPTION 1: Because a big star means sampling, the networks would like you to at least give it the old college try and pursue some of these names, even though there is not a chance in hell that most of them will do it, nor would they actually even be right for it. What ends up happening is you spend a bunch of time chasing these actors down and waiting for responses, and once you’ve asked one of them, you can’t exactly ask another while you’re waiting for an answer. It’d be like asking a girl to prom, then when she says “I’ll think about it,” you immediately ask her friend. Meanwhile, as this is happening, everyone else is grabbing ALL THE FUCKING LEGOS and when you finally get your “no” you scramble to the lego pile and all you can build is my nephew’s three wheeled car that can’t go left.
2) Cast An Ensemble Of Up and Comers And Mostly Unknowns
A common thing you hear people say is “If you look at the cast of Friends, none of those actors were big stars.” This is true. But they caught lightning in a bottle. Sometimes in an audition, someone will come in and just totally blow you away. Not only are they amazing, but more importantly, they’re perfect for the part. There are a lot of tremendously talented actors in L.A, and I’ve been lucky enough to write lines for some of them, but every super talented actor isn’t right for every part. Nick Offerman is brilliant as Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec, but Nick Offerman probably wouldn’t be a great fit as Jon Snow on Game Of Thrones. (Although I would watch the SHIT out of that.) So occasionally you will be lucky enough to find a brilliant actor that is perfect for what you’re doing. But guess what? You have anywhere from 4-7 regular roles on your show, and maybe you could find five or six amazing fits, but it’s REAL FUCKING HARD when 40 other pilots are trying to do the exact same thing at the exact same time and you have roughly a month to do it. Usually what ends up happening is you try and just find those crazy talented actors and adjust the part to fit them. But then suddenly you’re changing a script you worked on for months, and doing it in just a few days to fit the strengths of that actor, and that is really tough to do. Sure, my nephew could have taken two of the three wheels he had and made a motorcycle instead, but there was only ten minutes left at Gymboree and he had to make potty.
The show I’m currently working on, “Surviving Jack,” airs on the Fox Network, which is one of the four major broadcast networks. They are, in no particular order: ABC, CBS, FOX, and Univision. Just kidding NBC! Great, now NBC is sitting in the corner not talking to me. Fine, be that way. Anyway, each one of these networks has a branch called “Standards and Practices.” These are the people that decide what words you can or can not say on their network. Now, a common misconception when you hear about network standards is that there are a list of words you can say, and a list of words you can’t. This is mostly incorrect. There are obviously some words that you most certainly can not say on the big four networks.
Can’t say that bad boy under any circumstances. In fact, you can’t even have a character say “F that,” not that you would want to because who the fuck says “F that” in real life? Maybe a 45 year old manager at Kinkos that’s trying to relate to his teenage staff. So, that’s a very easy and clear one, but let’s take a look at where things start to get a little tricky.
"But Justin, I’ve watched episodes of shows YOU’VE written with the word crap in them!" you say. First, you’re a liar. The ratings clearly show that NO ONE has watched any episodes of anything I’ve written. Secondly, you would be correct in saying that you hear the word "crap" on network television ALL THE TIME. Probably more than you should. But it is not universally allowed. For instance, a character can say "This place smells like crap," but they can NOT say "I just took a crap." WHY YOU ASK? Because you can use the word crap to talk about everything… EXCEPT FOR ACTUAL CRAP. Which is a little bit like being able to use your asshole for everything but farting and shitting. Now, here’s where things get a little more fun. The people at standards and practices, although seemingly robots designed to kill fun, are, in fact, not robots, but just people. And sometimes you will use a risqué word that they, being decent, god-fearing people, are not familiar with.
For those of you who don’t know, a “Blumpkin” is a ludicrous word which describes the act of a woman giving a blow job to man while he poops. (Side note: if you think misogyny ceases to exist, I googled bumpkin to get the above image — I swear that’s what it was for— and there were roughly a trillion results for this horrifically degrading sex act.) Now, a few years ago I was on staff of a little show on CBS called “How To Be A Gentleman.” My mom’s review of the show was: “I don’t get it. It’s a comedy, right? I’m sorry, honey, I’ll still try and watch but your father said he can’t take it.” Anyway, on that show, we had a big meathead character use the word Blumpkin in one of the scripts. (And we were cancelled? WHA?) Standards wrote back and said no way. When they say no, you usually get a note that looks like this one, which was given on an episode of Touched By An Angel:
Hmm, maybe that wasn’t from Touched By An Angel. Either way, that’s what they look like, and that’s basically what our “blumpkin” note looked like on H-TBAG. (What we called How To Be A Gentleman. Not joking.) After the table read, when the execs were giving notes to the head writers, I decided to ask the 45-year-old, very conservative standards and practices lady how she came across the word blumpkin in the first place, and how she decides what can and can’t be said.
"Oh, I had no idea what a blumpkin was. If I don’t know a word, I just look it up on urban dictionary and if I see the definition is something that makes me go ‘EW’ then I don’t allow it on air.’
SHE JUST GOES TO URBAN DICTIONARY AND SEES IF IT MAKES HER GO EW, PEOPLE. Which means standards and practices is basically your mom. And if you think about it, her system isn’t that bad. Policing of language can never be an exact science, nor is it something networks really even want to do. It’s just something they have to pretend to do so that a small, incredibly vocal minority of repressed individuals won’t go fucking apeshit, which in turn will scare off advertisers whose goal is to be as milquetoast as fucking possible whilst cramming their product down your throat. The ultimate goal is to make money, and if the networks and advertisers thought they could do it by showing a penis ejaculate on loop for eight hours without catching any flack for it, I’d be a writer on “The New Adventures Of Old Dick Ejaculate.”
Even if you don’t follow the television business that closely, at some point you’ve probably heard some story about network executives flying in on their wings made of anti-creativity and crushing what was an otherwise brilliant script by giving this horrible thing called “notes.”
Before I get to that, let me familiarize you with the notes process. Generally speaking, there are two groups that give notes. The first is the studio (they produce the show) and the second is the Network (they air the show.) To better understand the relationship, think of a TV show as a car that’s for sale. The writer is the person who designed and built the car, the studio is the owner of the plant that makes the cars, the Network is the car dealership and you, friend, are the customer who buys the car. (And according to the ratings, you pretty much fucking hate the cars we make.) So the owner of the car plant will give you thoughts on how you should design and build the car, but the dealer is the one actually selling the cars, and if your car isn’t selling, they’re gonna toss it off the lot. So when they tell you changes they’d like you to make, you listen closely. (I realize this probably isn’t how car manufacturing works, but Jesus, just roll with the analogy.)
Now, ultimately, the person who needs to be pleased most in that scenario is you, the customer/viewer. But fuck if any of us know what you want, so the Network does its’ best to try and gauge what you might like the best, and what types of shows they want to put on their network. This last part is important, because it’s the primordial ooze from which notes crawl out of. Networks all have a brand that they attempt to stick to. This can change from year to year depending on what is working for them. But let’s just say for fun that Network A has decided their brand is shows about guys with huge cocks. All year in development season they’re going to buy up pitches from writers who either have shows that are about guys with huge cocks (a cop with a huge cock, a law firm with huge cocked lawyers, etc…) or shows that pair well with those shows.
As a writer trying to sell your show during development season, you sometimes tailor your pitch to the network you’re pitching to. You think “Well, I’m going in to Network A, so even though my show is about a piano teacher, I’ll emphasize in my pitch that this piano teacher has a huge cock. Then when I make the show, I’ll just leave out the huge cock stuff and they’ll be fine with it because it will be a great show.”
Here’s the problem with that: No matter how amazing your piano teacher show is, the network NEVER forgets that they want a show about a guy with a huge cock. So every episode you write, you’re getting the note of “can we get more in this show about his huge cock?” And you’re saying to yourself “this is not the show I want to make. They’re ruining the show.” And maybe that’s true, but in this scenario, I believe the writer is in the wrong. The network had made it clear what they wanted, so by selling your show to this network, you’re agreeing to make your show be a huge cock show. You don’t really have the right to complain that they’ve given you that note, because that’s what they’ve always said they wanted. And the network execs are being hammered daily by their boss, who has in turn promised advertisers that their ads will run during shows that are about guys with huge cocks. So this is not something that is easily dismissed.
Let’s take a look at another scenario. Say a network has been having trouble finding shows that are working. A writer comes in during development season and pitches a show and very clearly states that it is about a piano teacher and THAT IS ALL. The network says “great, we love it. We think a piano teacher show can really work on our network this year.” So the writer begins making the piano teacher show, but because it’s very difficult to make a great pilot and first few episodes (In terms of comedy, Modern Family might be the last one that really came in fully formed), the writer is taking a little bit of time to figure out what exactly is the best version of this show. The network sees this at the table read of the first few episodes and wants to help right the ship. I genuinely believe that most network executives are people just trying to make the show better. I mean, it’s their job. But making good television is really hard. Great writers have spent insane hours trying to make a show work, but there are a lot of factors that go in to it, and no matter how hard the writer works, most times the show still comes out poorly. And when a show is going through a rough patch, the network, who has invested millions of dollars, has more notes to give, and gives them with a bit more urgency. So going back to our example, after a bad table read, a network might say “You know, what if you focused less on the piano teacher part, and more on his son who we think is a stronger actor? And what if his son had a huge cock? That’s been working well for some of our other shows.” In this scenario, the writer is in a tough spot because they want to keep the network excited about the show, because that means they’ll spend more of their promotion dollars on it, but they know that those notes probably aren’t going to make their show better, and might instead make it worse. Usually what happens is the writer attempts to find a happy medium and very rarely does it work out for the best. In my opinion, in that situation notes can end up ruining a show that might have had a chance of working.
I have worked on shows with both scenarios. I have also worked on shows where the notes from executives have greatly benefitted the show. On the current show I am working on there have been several times where an executive, both studio and network, have given a note that very much helped the show. You may say “You’re just being ass-kissy because you currently have a show on a network,” but I will tell you that a) no one reads this blog so I really don’t care what I say here and b) I wouldn’t spend 3000 words on a tumblr post just to blow a group of executives. There are much easier ways.
To answer the question that I posed in the title of this post (which I guess means that everything up until this was pointless bullshit), Network notes are neither wholly good, nor wholly bad. There are great executives and terrible ones, just as there are great writers and terrible ones. I generally think that even when you get a terrible fucking note, if nothing else positive, it forces you to think about your script, and that’s never a bad thing. The best you can hope for is that you’re working with an executive who will listen if you tell them “You know what? I think this character can still be compelling if he has a regular-sized cock.”
The other night I was sitting and watching television with a good friend of mine. He works as a paramedic and couldn’t give two shits about the entertainment industry. We were watching a rerun of The Simpsons, specifically, the one where Sideshow Bob tries to kill Bart and destroy television in Springfield. It’s one of those classic Simpsons episodes where every line is quotable, and afterward my friend said “Whoever wrote that one is a fucking genius.”
"Well, I’m sure the whole staff wrote it," I replied.
"Then why does one guy get credit?" he asked.
It occurred to me that if you have a real job that matters to the world and you’re not just writing dick jokes all day, you may not be familiar with the inner-workings of a TV writer’s room. So I thought today I’d shed some light on how an episode of TV is “written.”
TV writing is incredibly collaborative. At the start of the year, usually some time in June, we all sit together in the writer’s room and mostly talk about Game Of Thrones, but definitely not about the show we’re being paid to write on. (Side note: What the fuck do they talk about in the Game Of Thrones writers’ room?) We also drink a ton of LaCroix, which is barely flavored sparkling water that is a gift from the goddamn lord and you should purchase right away.
At some point, though, we are forced to talk about the show. Usually the creator of the show will talk about the kinds of stories they want to tell, and more specifically, what the show IS. This is incredibly important. The reason there are so many dog shit shows is not, I believe, because there are so many bad writers. There are great writers on bad shows and bad writers on great shows. (Check out the writing staff of your favorite show on IMDB and start clicking through their credits. They will undoubtedly have some stinkers if they’ve worked long enough.) A lot of shows end up stinking because premise of the show is not clear, nor are the characters, and you’ve limited time to figure out how to make the show work. It’s like the reality cooking show “Chopped,” where they take very good chefs, then hand them a basket of confusing ingredients and ask them to make something delicious in a short amount of time. It’s hard to make a tasty dish when you’ve been given ricotta cheese, a pig’s butthole, and thirty minutes.
So after hopefully everyone feels comfortable with what the show IS, the staff starts to pitch stories for potential episodes. This usually starts with people throwing out something very simple, like “I thought it might be funny if X character really wanted to do BLANK but it happened to be on the same day as Y character’s birthday.” FEEL FREE TO STEAL THAT GOLD FOR YOUR SCRIPT.
A pitch can come from any of the writers. There is obviously a hierarchy, but generally speaking, the shows I’ve been on that have been run the best felt like a comfortable place where anyone can pitch anything. There are a few dickhead showrunners who run their writer’s room like they’re a fifteenth century king, but for the most part ideas are welcomed. If the idea pitched gets traction with the show runner, then the entire writing staff will sit in a room and try to break out the beats of the story on a white board in the room. ”But Vince Gilligan does it on notecards!” you say.
Well, I would counter with Vince Gilligan can do whatever the fuck he wants because he is VINCE FUCKING GILLIGAN. (Side note: By all accounts, from every writer I know that’s worked with him, he is the nicest dude alive. I tell you that so you can love him even more.)
Anyway, after the story is beat out, (this takes a few days and involves lots of discussion and phrases that start with “I hate to shit on what we have so far, but…) generally a writer has been assigned to write that script. Sometimes, occasionally, it is because it’s a story pitched by that writer. Most of the time, it’s not. It just goes in order. Scripts are handed to the upper level writers first, then mid-level, then staff writers, but sometimes staff writers don’t get an episode. If the show isn’t behind, that writer writes an outline/is handed an outline that is written in the room, and gets five or so days to go off and execute the script based off that outline. There are choices the writer can make while off on script, but, to go back to a cooking analogy, think of the showrunner as the head chef of a restaurant. If he sends you off to cook a chicken picatta and you come back and bring them a turkey burger because you think it’d be better, they’re going to be like “I GIVE ZERO FUCKS AS TO WHAT YOU THINK IS DELICIOUS. YOU WANNA DESIGN THE MENU, GET YOUR OWN RESTAURANT.” If you bring them a Chicken Picatta and you decided to change the sauce? Fine, just have a reason why and make sure that sauce is m’fuckin tasty. Now here’s where I bring this meandering-as-hell post back to me and my paramedic friend sitting and watching television.
In most cases, that writer is going to be given credit for that script, even though after they come back with their draft, the entire staff rewrites it. Most of the time, it is a HEAVY rewrite. Not due to the writer executing a shitty draft, but because a) sometimes it’s hard to see story problems in an outline, and not until that outline is well-executed can you see what’s not working, and b) Writing is hard and most things need to be rewritten to become good. (For instance I did not rewrite this blog post and it’s not that good.) I would say that if 30% of your writer’s draft stays in the final product, you wrote an AMAZING draft of the script. Like, you should have an inflated sense of self-confidence that can only be crushed by a loved one when they remind you that you have a silly person’s job. There are many times when less than 5% of a writer’s draft will be in the final product.
So the next time you’re reading a recap of your favorite show and you scroll down to the comments section and someone says “Ugh, this episode sucked. The episodes written by (insert writer’s name) always suck because (insert writer’s name) sucks,” just know that commenter knows not what the fuck they speak. It takes a village, friends.
For the last year and a half, my writing partner Patrick Schumacker and I, along with TV Producer extraordinaire Bill Lawrence (Spin City, Scrubs, Cougar Town) have been working on a sitcom based off my second book “I Suck At Girls.” Four years ago Patrick and I along with some other nice gents, turned my first book, “Shit My Dad Says,” in to a TV show as well. A TV show that my dad referred to as “shitty,” and “a pile of shit” and “a fucking shitty thing.” In short, it wasn’t great. It was our first show and as much as I’d like to place the blame elsewhere, we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing and the show ultimately sucked because we weren’t the strong voices a show needs in order to be a success. TV shows are a little like football teams in that you need a great Quarterback (lead actor), and a great coach who knows exactly what he wants from his team (the creator/showrunner). We were the equivalent of Norv Turner without the acne.
Since then, Patrick and I have been on the writing staff of several other shows. Some good (Cougar Town), some not so good (How To Be A Gentleman, anyone? No? No one? Sigh.) But this year, we were lucky enough to get another one of our own shows on the air. The show, titled “Surviving Jack,” stars Christopher Meloni. You may know him from Law & Order SVU, Oz, Wet Hot American Summer, and a bunch of other cool stuff. Here is he being bad ass in Oz:
On our show, he plays a dad, but roughly a similar shade of badass-ness. Anyway, I’m not here to sell you on the show. It’s several months until we premiere, at which point if it’s up to me to promote the show, this fucker is dead on arrival anyway. If you want to know more about it, just watch this and try to ignore that “HEY CHECK OUT HOW WACKY FUNNY THIS SHOW IS voiceover. The show is not wacky, I swear. Okay, apparently I’m trying to sell you on the show just a little. Regardless, the point of writing this post is to tell you that we’ve just finished shooting the first season and we’re going to start the post-production process, and I figured I might keep a blog of what goes on during the months leading up to the airing of a TV show. You might not care, and I wouldn’t blame you. But I like chronicling things, and if you’re a TV nerd, you might enjoy seeing what goes on behind the scenes. The posts will generally be shorter than this one. In fact, there’s no way you even made it this far. Therefore it doesn’t matter if I end this with a non-sequitur. Fuck the New England Patriots. I can’t stand them.
I watched the Golden Globes last night until I couldn’t physically stomach watching them anymore. Then I decided to hastily throw this together. Also, I’ve moved most of my writing over to a site called www.thesefriesaregood.com, which is updated daily.
Oh my God, I’m not surprised at all but am pretending to be because it makes me look humble! Here are two or three fragmented sentences to show that I am genuinely unprepared and wasn’t not planning to win! Wow!
(PUT ON MY SERIOUS, “PASSIONATE ABOUT MY WORK” FACE)
There’s no way this movie could have been made without a whole bunch of Jewish names, so here they are, in order of most likely to give me future work. I’d also like to thank my non-Jewish co-star in the film, who I probably had sex with. (CAMERA CUTS TO SHOT OF CO-STAR, PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY BUT INSTEAD WONDERING WHY THEY DIDN’T WIN FOR THEIR ROLE) Oh my God, I’m flustered again! Let me stutter over a few words and then remember that I should probably thank my agents. Here goes a list of names you’ve never heard of, that you don’t give a shit about, in order of who makes the most money off me. (MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY) Oh no! I’m definitely forgetting to thank someone that makes me money. Uh- um- oh wait here are three or four more names I’ll rifle threw really quickly so that I’ll receive a text message later from them telling me how great I am/was. Oh and before I go, I’d like to thank my parents, and my husband/wife that I’ll be divorcing in 2-3 years when I start fucking another co-star! Thanks!
There’s no way this movie could have been made without a whole bunch of Jewish names, so here they are, in order of most likely to give me future work. I’d also like to thank my non-Jewish co-star in the film, who I probably had sex with.
(CAMERA CUTS TO SHOT OF CO-STAR, PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY BUT INSTEAD WONDERING WHY THEY DIDN’T WIN FOR THEIR ROLE)
Oh my God, I’m flustered again! Let me stutter over a few words and then remember that I should probably thank my agents. Here goes a list of names you’ve never heard of, that you don’t give a shit about, in order of who makes the most money off me.
(MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY)
Oh no! I’m definitely forgetting to thank someone that makes me money. Uh- um- oh wait here are three or four more names I’ll rifle threw really quickly so that I’ll receive a text message later from them telling me how great I am/was. Oh and before I go, I’d like to thank my parents, and my husband/wife that I’ll be divorcing in 2-3 years when I start fucking another co-star! Thanks!
Here’s how you can tell when you’re really in to a show; everything you see reminds you of that show. For instance, my wife sees my dog being dried off after a bath, I see Ned Stark from Game Of Thrones warning me that winter is coming. (Also, full disclosure: The show I was writing on just got the shit cancelled out of it, so I have some time on my hands.)
I don’t get to spend as much time with my father as I once did, and he’s not the type to call me up just to shoot the breeze. So when I receive calls from him I know it’s either my birthday, I pissed him off, or the world has pissed him off. Yesterday was one such day.
“Hey Dad,” I said, answering my phone.
“I just read on the internet that you’re a talentless piece of shit,” he said.
“Yeah, I was on the internet trying to find that picture of you from your college baseball team where you look real skinny and gangly like a circus freak, and so I type your name in to Google, and I see some comment about you that says you’re a talentless piece of shit,” he said.
“Why were you looking up that picture of me?”
“Cause you look funny in it and it makes me laugh. I wanted to show your brother. That’s not my point though.”
(the pic he’s referring to)
“Doesn’t it bother you that people can go on the internet and call you a talentless piece of shit, and never have to say it to your face?,” he continued.
“I don’t know. Doesn’t really bother me. I got my break by writing down things you say. I think just karmically speaking I deserve to hear that on occassion,” I said.
“I’m not talking about you. I’m speaking fucking globally. If you can’t handle some pissant writing something nasty about you, then I failed as a father. What I’m trying to say is, don’t it trouble you that there’s a whole generation of people growing up that just say whatever the fuck they want, without any consequences?
“I don’t know. I mean, that’s just the internet,” I said.
“Don’t you get what that means, though?”
“Jesus H. You’re a bright kid but you sure like to wear an asshole’s costume every once in a while. It means that the future leaders of your country, I say your ‘cause I’ll have long decomposed, are gonna be people that have absolutely no experience with actual confrontation. Thirty years from now the President of the most powerful country in the world is going to be some little shit who sat at his computer and hurled insults three feet away from his mommy’s tit like it was no big deal. I don’t condone fighting, but when a human being understands that his or her actions might result in a giant fist up his or her ass, he learns a thing or two about acting before he speaks. All I’m saying is, I’m glad I’m gonna be dead. Also, Happy birthday. That’s why I called.
Whenever I’m in the grocery store, I always tend to look at someone’s cart and then immediately make a judgement about that person based on the contents of it. I think Webster’s dictionary defines that as “Being an judgmental asshole,” but so be it. Anyway, after one such trips to the grocery store I went home and fired up the ole’ photoshop machine and did this.
The only thing more awkward and weird than being at a work party, is if it’s not your work. I wrote this a couple years ago after making a huge ass of myself at my wife’s work party.
When can I eat the food? Why is no one eating it yet, it’s out there, it’s been laid out, and no one’s touching it. Why the fuck would you put food out on a table, and then not serve it? It’s buffet style, that means I can help myself, right? I’ll just head towards the food, and pick something up and eat it, and it’ll be fine. Okay, here we go, going to just grab a piece of bread and a slice of salami and- OW! WHO THE FUCK PINCHED ME?! My wife?!
What the? Don’t mouth “don’t embarrass me?” It’s not like I pulled my pants down and jacked off on to the fruit platter, I just want to eat a slice of fuggin salami god dammit. Screw that shit, I’m not going to be bossed around like I’m a child. I’ll show her, I’m going to raise my eyebrows at her, and make a slightly angry face. There, now she knows who’s f-in boss. Jesus Christ, there’s so many old people here.
When I’m old, and my wife is old, am I going to want to have sex with my wife? Cause right now, old people are fuggin gross. Oh, here comes my wife’s friend who she hates. Do we really have to hug hello? I’ve met you three times, one of which you got wasted and told everyone you liked the taste of semen. Ha, that was hilarious. I’m going to remind my girlfriend about that time. Whoa, DON’T FUCKING PINCH ME!