I wrote this a couple years ago.  I’m pretty sure my roommate at the time had pissed me off for some reason prompting me to write this.  Then I think I realized that I’ve been two out of the three of these roommates.

3. The Party Five Nights A Week And Bring My Cheesy Bottle Service Friends Home To Continue The Party Guy.

Every night this guy comes home at five in the morning, with a group of people that all look like the fourth picture in a twelve picture “Faces Of Meth” montage. If the sound of the music blasting doesn’t wake you up, the drunk woman stumbling in to your room and attempting to f*&k her boyfriend on the bed you’re sleeping on does. Inevitably you have to walk out into the living room, and turn down the music, and everyone looks at you like they’re a group of graduate students and you just told them you “don’t really care for Arrested Development.” You tell your roommate you have to be up in two hours, and they’re like “Oh, no way, okay, totally sorry. We’ll turn this down.” Then you head back to your room, and you clearly hear through the wall, your roommate saying “just wait like two minutes and then we’ll pump that shit up again.”

2. The Borrower

They borrow everything from you, and either lose it or use it for something it wasn’t supposed to be used for, leaving you saying things like “It’s cool you borrowed my copy of Shawshank Redemption, but I’d rather you didn’t use it to hold up your dresser. It’s not really a load bearing DVD.” You don’t want to look like an asshole, but before you know it, you’re gingerly asking them to BORROW BACK the things you lent them. “Hey man, I was wondering if I could grab that toothpaste back from you, just cause I ran out of mine. As soon as I buy new toothpaste, I’ll bring it right back.” “Hmmm, I kind of need it tonight and there’s not much left.” “Okay, cool, no worries.”

The Guy Who Is So Messy He Turns Your House Into The Set Of A “Saw” Film.

After the slob is done cooking, your kitchen looks like someone raped a barbecue chicken sandwich.   Every time you walk past their bathroom, it smells like a baby shit on top of a copy of the New York times, then died.  Every time you ask them to clean up, they respond with picking up something and moving it somewhere else, then look at you to see what your response will be like they’re playing chess for the first time and want to make sure they moved the knight correctly.  The apartment gets messier and messier, until the only way the apartment could get any dirtier, is if it f*&ked strangers for money.   That’s when you realize you’ve lost the battle, and start laughing when your roommate blows his nose on a pair of basketball shorts he found stuffed inside your silverware drawer.

I am obsessed with the film “Predator.”  I think of it as a family member.  I wanted to send out this Christmas Card I made a long time ago, but my wife said no.  So I share it with you.

I made this a couple years ago with my friend @corygavinjones.  There’s nothing worse than having a shitty quarterback on your favorite team.  And more often than not, you do.  So we decided to try and create the most nightmarish quarterback possible.

I made this four or so years ago after my writing partner and I had gone on frustrating pitch meeting after frustrating pitch meeting in hollywood.  Executives all say the exact same shit, over and over and it’s a wonder that any movie gets made.  We wondered if it was just as difficult for terrorists to get their terrorist plots made.

I wrote this a few years ago with my buddy Justin Thomas, after we got in an argument over who grew up in a more white trash place. 

Do you know how white trash your city is? To make it easy, we worked up a formula to see where your crappy, redneck-filled town stands in relation to other crappy, redneck-filled towns across the US. Just plug the appropriate numbers into this fomula:

WHITE TRASH SCORING BREAKDOWN:0-300: Not white trash. We’re sure you have tons of other undesirables in your city, but they’re most likely not white trash. 

301-600:  A little white trash.  There’s probably pockets of your city that have tons of white trash, but most of the city probably doesn’t have much. 

601-800: Your city is pretty white trashy.  Not only are there pockets of white trash, but there’s a fair amount of white trash in every sector.  Most likely you can’t go very far without hearing the cry of an illegitimate child or seeing a car parked on a lawn.
 

801-999: Your city is in the white trash elites. You look down on other cities that have “parks” and “libraries.” 

1000+: Jerry Springer White Trash. Your city is crawling with white trash. The majority of shirts are sleeveless or mesh.  You most likely know someone who’s had the fact that they fathered a child revealed to them on a talk show.  Most times when you sit down to eat, the dish can be described by saying the name of the meat, and adding the word “casserole” to the end of it.

STEP-BY-STEP PROCESS:We’ll walk you through the step-by-step process for you. For this example, we’re doing beautiful Phoenix, Arizona.

Step 1: Find a zip code of your city by simply googling your cities name + zip code. For Phoenix, the zip code used is 85001.
 
Step 2: Go to marshallsonline.com/locator.asp.  Type in your city’s zip code, in this case 85001.  Count all the Marshall’s that are within your city’s limits.  Not county, just metropolitan city.  Use your judgement as to what is or is not within your city limits.  Luckily for us, our own Justin Thomas is from Phoenix.  If you’re doing a city you don’t know well, use a 20 mile radius.  Count up the number of Marshall’s. Phoenix has 12.
 
Step 3: Go to olivegarden.com/locator to find the Olive Gardens in your city.  Repeat the same process as step 2.  Phoenix has 15.
 
Step 4: Go to walmart.com and find the store locater.  Repeat the same process as step 3.  Phoenix has 20 wal-marts.
 
Step 5: Go To devry.edu and repeat the same process as step 4.  Phoenix has
three Devry Institutes.
 
Step 6: Go to google.com, then at the top left, click “maps.”  Then type in the search “Trailer parks” + Zip code. Then above your search results, there will be a link titled “Mobile Home Parks & Communities,” click on that to refine your search so that it’s only pulling up trailer parks.  Scroll down to the bottom, and above the “NEXT” to see more pages, you’ll see a number of results. Write that down.  Phoenix has 303.Here’s a couple screengrab to illustrate what you should be looking for in your Trailer Park Google search:

The Number of Results:

With its endless sprawl and lack of any real culture, Phoenix scores pretty high in the White Trash Formula. It’s three Devry’s and 15 Olive Gardens (15!) really cements its place among white trash communities in America.
 Despite what you might think, Denver actually scores quite low on the white trash scale. It recovered from a high number of Wal-Marts with a low number of Olive Gardens.We put NYC’s numbers in to see if our formula really worked. With no Wal-Marts and no trailer parks, New York lives up to its reputation of city full of East Coast elites.No city can recover from double digit numbers of Olive Gardens and Wal-Marts. You throw in two Devry Institutes, which count a whopping 50 points each and you have one of the whitiest, trashiest cities in America.

I wrote this a couple years ago with my old co-worker @corygavinjones.  We wrote this after going to a TGI Fridays and thinking “Man, everything sounds awesome on this menu.”  Then we ate it and it tasted like dog shit run over. 

Again, this was a conversation I had a couple years ago with my old co-worker Justin Thomas.  It’s what we did instead of working.  Shockingly, both of us were forcefully removed from the office and told to look elsewhere for employment at different points in our careers there.

I’m not going to sit around and pretend I can add some sort of commentary that can make this more awesome.  It’s one of those videos that just keeps getting better.  All I’ll say is the 6:50 mark is maybe my favorite part.  But, then again, it’s all sort of my favorite part.  It’s like being a parent and picking out which child you like the most.

Little girl beauty pageant contestants are creepy.  Slow motion is creepy.  Put them together? Send me to the nearest shower so I can begin sobbing in it.

(via Brendan Darby)

I made this a few years ago when I had a job writing on the internet.  I grew to hate internet commenters, then slowly I began to appreciate they’re absolute ridiculousness.  It’s amazing what people will write when they’re allowed to be anonymous.