So I received an email today from my wife that said “The dog’s anal glands are full and need to be manually emptied.” I emailed back and said “You just made me so hard right now. Also, what in the hell does that mean?” Apparently the reason dog’s sniff each other’s buttholes is because there’s some sort of gland in there that fills up with this nasty fluid that gives off a specific smell to them.
That might not be 100% accurate, but I refuse to google “dog, anus, smell,” so just go with that basic concept for right now. Anyway, sometimes that gland gets blocked up and fills with fluid, and that fluid has to be taken out manually.
(It’s a bad sign when i looked at this and WISTFULLY thought to myself “Why couldn’t it have been something with the dog’s retractor penis muscle?”)
So, I sort of saw how this movie was ending, but tried to prolong it by asking my wife what “manually” meant. My wife informed me that that meant someone (read: me) has to reach my hand in to the dog’s asshole, and retrieve fluid that literally is what gives the shit it’s shit smell. I immediately started going through the seven stages of grief.
Denial: “Maybe the anal gland’s aren’t full. Maybe they’re not even full enough. Maybe you should think about that before you go haphazardly emptying anal glands.”
Anger: “Fuck this dog. I never wanted this dog.”
Acceptance and hope: “Maybe this will be the last time I ever have to stick my hand in a dog’s asshole.”
(immobilisation was TOTALLY my favorite.)
But then my wife tells me “there’s an option. We can pay the vet twenty five dollars to do it.” Twenty. Five. Dollars. You know that game you play where you’re like “Hey, how much money would it take for you to do (insert terrible thing).” Well, if anyone ever asked you “Hey, how much would it take for you to stick your hand in to a dog’s asshole and milk shit glands empty” I’m guessing you wouldn’t be like “Eh, maybe twenty five bucks.” If you did answer “25 bucks” then you probably followed that answer with ”Okay, it was fun playing this game, now I have to go back to blowing homeless guys for crack. I’ll talk to you later. Good seeing you.”