Justin Halpern
Every Awards Acceptance Speech Ever

I watched the Golden Globes last night until I couldn’t physically stomach watching them anymore.  Then I decided to hastily throw this together.  Also, I’ve moved most of my writing over to a site called www.thesefriesaregood.com, which is updated daily.

Oh my God, I’m not surprised at all but am pretending to be because it makes me look humble!  Here are two or three fragmented sentences to show that I am genuinely unprepared and wasn’t not planning to win!   Wow!

(PUT ON MY SERIOUS, “PASSIONATE ABOUT MY WORK” FACE)

There’s no way this movie could have been made without a whole bunch of Jewish names, so here they are, in order of most likely to give me future work.  I’d also like to thank my non-Jewish co-star in the film, who I probably had sex with.

(CAMERA CUTS TO SHOT OF CO-STAR, PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY BUT INSTEAD WONDERING WHY THEY DIDN’T WIN FOR THEIR ROLE)

Oh my God, I’m flustered again!  Let me stutter over a few words and then remember that I should probably thank my agents.  Here goes a list of names you’ve never heard of, that you don’t give a shit about, in order of who makes the most money off me.

(MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY)

Oh no!  I’m definitely forgetting to thank someone that makes me money.  Uh- um- oh wait here are three or four more names I’ll rifle threw really quickly so that I’ll receive a text message later from them telling me how great I am/was.  Oh and before I go, I’d like to thank my parents, and my husband/wife that I’ll be divorcing in 2-3 years when I start fucking another co-star!  Thanks!

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