Justin Halpern
Inner Monologue Of The Guy In The BMW Behind You In Traffic

I wrote this one day after a commute to work in which a guy in a BMW tailgated me for two miles in the slow lane until finally he pulled along side me and flipped me off with both hands and said “Nice Ford, faggot.”   If I could sum Los Angeles up in one moment, it was that one.  He didn’t look exactly like the picture below, but pretty close.  I started imagining what was going through his brain, and figured it was something like this:

What the fuck, bro?  Why is everyone stopped?   God dammit!  If I don’t get to the gym within forty five minutes, the protein shake I just had will be completely useless!  Helloooo, shithead in front of me, there’s seven feet of empty space between you and the car in front of you.    I can not WAIT to see what ethnicity you are so that I can call you whatever the appropriate racist term is for your people.   There you are, you friggin Dago.  Yeah, you see me, I’m gonna stare at you until you realize how stupid you are, and how smart I am.  Don’t mouth incoherent shit at me, I will get out of this car and use EVERY BIT of training I learned in my twice a week kickboxing class to kick the piss out of you. It may say on the sign up it’s for cardio, but my trainer Jon Pierre has used me as an example for the rest of the class on three different occasions.

Great, my blue tooth blowing up, unknown number.  Probably that chick I nailed a couple nights ago.  Lose ten pounds bitch, then I’ll answer!  Haha, I totally have to tell my bros I thought that tomorrow when we get bottle service at the club.  I’ll just tell them I picked up the phone and said that shit to her.

Okay, that’s it, I’m honking the horn.  God, I love this Paul Oakenfold album that’s rocking on my iPod right now.  It pumps me up.  HOOOOOONK!  There, that should clear all this traffic up.  What the?!  Why isn’t everyone moving?  Maybe they didn’t hear me honk my horn.  HOOOOOOOONK!  HOOOOOOOONK!  Hey dude next to me, don’t look at me bro.  DO NOT FUCKING LOOK AT ME.  That’s right, look away you fag.  Nobody maintains eye contact with me.   Nobody.

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    He just pwned my musings. That’s okay. Sorry bout your show, guy.
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