Justin Halpern
My Cousin’s Thoughts On My New Job

I was fortunate enough to get a new job writing for a television show coming out in the fall called “How To Be A Gentleman.”  I’m very excited about it, and think it’s going to be a really funny show.  The ironic thing is that it’s the show that’s replacing Shit My Dad Says.  Same time slot, same day, same everything.  I didn’t see any problem with that, and if anything, just feel lucky to have a job on a show I like.  Also, Shit My Dad Says had its shot, we just weren’t that good, and it ran its course.  

Anyway, I have one cousin in particular who likes to weigh in on my career choices.  He’s a “farmer” (WINK WINK) in northern California.  

All you need to know about him is that he wanted me to do an episode of Shit My Dad Says last year “Where that one blond chick almost gets raped, but like, in a funny way.  It’d be physical comedy.”  

I got married last week and at my reception, he asked if I had found a new job.  I told him about the new gig as we stood at the bar waiting to get a drink.

"Wait, so, like the same station and shit?  And same time?" he asked.

"Yeah.  Same everything."

"Damn.  You’re a straight bitch," he said, then turned to the bartender and asked for "a sick ass mojito."

"What?  Why am I bitch?" I asked.

"Yo, make that mojito sick," he said to the bartender, then turned back to me.  "You’re in to analogies and shit, let me try and explain it in an analogy. Think of it and shit like your show is your wife, right?  So they cancelled your show, aka cancelled your fucking wife, homey.  You with me so far?"

"No."

"So then they take your wife, and then they’re like, ‘hey, we’re going to bring some dude in to your house, and he’s going to fuck your wife, and you’re going to like, help him fuck your wife and shit.’  And you’re like ‘Oh fuck yeah.  I’m excited about that shit.  I’m excited to help think of new ways for this dude to fuck my wife.  You see what I’m saying?"

"I don’t think that’s a very good analogy," I said.

"And that’s why you’re a straight bitch.  But also you’re family and I straight fucking love you and congratulations on getting married."