Justin Halpern
Inner Monologue of A Guy At His Wife’s Work Party

The only thing more awkward and weird than being at a work party, is if it’s not your work.  I wrote this a couple years ago after making a huge ass of myself at my wife’s work party.  

When can I eat the food?  Why is no one eating it yet, it’s out there, it’s been laid out, and no one’s touching it.  Why the fuck would you put food out on a table, and then not serve it?  It’s buffet style, that means I can help myself, right?   I’ll just head towards the food, and pick something up and eat it, and it’ll be fine.  Okay, here we go, going to just grab a piece of bread and a slice of salami and- OW! WHO THE FUCK PINCHED ME?!  My wife?!

What the?  Don’t mouth “don’t embarrass me?”  It’s not like I pulled my pants down and jacked off on to the fruit platter, I just want to eat a slice of fuggin salami god dammit.  Screw that shit, I’m not going to be bossed around like I’m a child.  I’ll show her, I’m going to raise my eyebrows at her, and make a slightly angry face.  There, now she knows who’s f-in boss.   Jesus Christ, there’s so many old people here. 

When I’m old, and my wife is old, am I going to want to have sex with my wife?  Cause right now, old people are fuggin gross.  Oh, here comes my wife’s friend who she hates.  Do we really have to hug hello?  I’ve met you three times, one of which you got wasted and told everyone you liked the taste of semen.  Ha, that was hilarious.  I’m going to remind my girlfriend about that time.  Whoa, DON’T FUCKING PINCH ME!